Tips and Strategies - Advice From The Authors
Tips For A Stress-Less Move
- You are not downsizing, you are rightsizing
- Adopt a Moving Mentor Mindset™
...remember that:- You are not just moving, you are moving on
- You can go from clinging, fear and worry to confidence and positive anticipation
- You can go from a feeling of leaving and loss to appreciating the new life that will unfold
- You can go from feeling like you are in a crisis to being open to the opportunities
- Tell Your Stories
As you go through your possessions, tell your stories about them and share what they mean to you. Whether you do this in person with others or over the phone, telling stories reminds you of where you've been, puts you in touch with thoughts and ideas important to your future, and brings closure. - Be Structured
Do a little bit of work at a time. Notice your energy. Is it better in the morning or in the afternoon? Always do less than you could do. - Build in Advocacy and Support
In other words, identify those who can help and don't do it alone. Make a list of people who can help you:- Get organized.
- Downsize.
- Tell stories.
- Do errands and make donation runs.
- Gather information by phone and internet.
- Maintain Momentum
- When you finish a task, make a list of next steps. Divide them into manageable pieces.
- Communicate with family and friends about possessions. Get them to take their stuff away and to identify anything you have that they may want if you don't want it.
- Measure and do floor planning.
- Build Bridges
- If you are moving locally, spend time in the place you are moving to, getting to know some of your future neighbors. If that isn't possible, identify and get to know someone who can be a "phone buddy" or neighbor before you move in.
- Pace the packing. If the move is local and there's an overlap in your ownership of both homes, move kitchen and bathroom boxes a few days before the furniture and get those rooms settled first.
Opening Up Communication With Your Parents
One of the stages of the moving process which is difficult to negotiate is the stage where your parents might be resistant to moving or to even talking about moving. We have many tips and strategies to help create readiness for a move that we can share with you when you arrange a consultation with us.* In the meantime, we are including two templates here of letters to parents from their adult children that you can draw from in trying to communicate with your aging parents. We hope that they will open up the communication process and lay groundwork for them to move on.
A Letter to Mom or Dad - #1
By Barbara Z. Perman, Ph.D. and Jim Ballard
"They might not need me, but they might,
I'll let my head be just in sight;
A smile as small as mine might be
Precisely their necessity." ~Emily Dickinson
Over the past several years, many adult children with aging parents have come to us worried about their parents. They say they've tried to talk with their folks about their concerns, but have been met with resistance. To many an adult son or daughter we have suggested they write a letter to their parent(s). A letter can be much more effective than a face-to-face talk, ensuring the receiver privacy and time to reflect.
It can be time consuming and challenging to compose such a letter. That's why we are suggesting here a template that an adult child can use to create such a letter to Mom or Dad. My hope is that readers will be able to adapt this model to their particular needs and, by sharing it with their aging parents, find a way to mutual understanding.
Dear Mom and Dad,
It is probably many years since I have written you a letter. While I could just pick up the phone and talk to you, I think this is the best way to share my thoughts and feelings. I hope you will take to heart what I write, understanding that it comes from a need to share with you what's going on for me.
To put it simply, I'm worried about you. You might say, "That's silly, I'm just fine," but it's hard to stop feeling concerned when someone you love is at risk. As people grow older, perhaps it's natural to deny the fact that things are changing. Perhaps you are too proud of your autonomy to listen to anyone who might interfere with it. Yet, by not paying attention it is your autonomy that you may be jeopardizing!
Even though we don't spend as much time together as we once did, we still cannot really hide from truths that are right before us. There are many things I have noticed and been concerned about -- your difficulty driving, shopping and preparing food, getting around the house safely, making sure medicine is taken as prescribed, managing the organization of the household, and just how tired you each are getting from taking care of each other.
In the past, when I have tried to speak up about this, you have put me off in one way or another. I want so much for you to have the best quality of life you can have for as long as you can have it. For that to happen, we have to be able to talk to each other about what is happening right now and what needs to be done to make things the best they can be. I don't want to just wait for things to happen. I want us to do what we can to take charge of the changes that are upon us and the ones that will be coming.
I have learned that it can require monumental energy from everyone involved to cope with major shifts in lifestyle: short and long term illnesses, surgeries, accidents, memory loss, slow and gradual decline, the death of one spouse with the other left with many burdens. While I hope we'll be fortunate enough to escape such events, I want to be in the position to help if we are faced with any of them. The way things are arranged right now it is impossible for that to happen.
I have watched my friends face many issues with their aging parents. Some have been caught off guard and have had to leave their jobs or be absent from their own homes and families to attend to needs that have arisen. Other friends' parents have been more proactive, making changes in their living situations to accommodate each step in the aging process. While some of their parents have stayed in their homes and made modifications, others have made a move. There is no one right way for everyone. The important thing is that they have acted before a crisis came along, making the changes that put them in the best possible situation from which to have the best outcomes possible.
Mom, Dad, when can we start to make a plan? It would give me so much peace of mind to know that we are working on this together. Planning ahead and taking action now—instead of trying to act as if everything is okay when it's obvious that that it isn't—is by far the best way for you to truly maintain control over your life. I would like to help and here are some ways I might do so.
- Visit and work together. I can make some dates to come and see you when we can just talk and think through where things are at now and what might be helpful going forward.
- Do homework. I can collect information about helping you stay in your home with safety and security. I can make a list of resources and you can follow up on them or I can. I could also gather information about other kinds of living situations, perhaps even something nearby to me.
- Help with paperwork. I could come and help you, or find someone who could help with some of your paperwork or do some downsizing, just to make your environment more manageable.
- Listen to stories. Perhaps I could record some of your stories as we go through some of your things, making plans for those you no longer wish to keep. I could contact family members who might want them.
Perhaps you have other ideas. Surely the best plan is to start now and not wait for some unforeseen event to rob us of the opportunity of doing it together.
Please get back to me soon so I can arrange things here to take the time to be with you. I know we can create a wonderful opportunity. Just to know you have "listened" to these thoughts brings me relief.
Your loving daughter and friend,
P.S. I realize now that you were right to worry about me when I was a teen and I was reaching out for my independence. I'm glad I had your help. I hope you will accept mine.
A Letter to Mom or Dad - #2
By Barbara Z. Perman, Ph.D. and Jim Ballard
Dear Mom and Dad:
Well, we are finally home from our wonderful visit with you, and are settling in. I've sorted the mail and tried to catch up on a few things before I go back to work tomorrow morning. Before I get totally immersed in my busy life, I want to share some thoughts with you.
Last weekend after arriving home, I was invited to attend the first birthday party of the granddaughter of my friend Tina. I hadn't seen her granddaughter since she was two months old and I was amazed at how much she had changed. You know how that is--you haven't seen a little one for awhile and exclaim, "My, how you've grown!" It can seem like a lot of change has happened for them in a short amount of time—especially compared to your own life where things seem to stay pretty much the same. In fact, over the years it can feel like you've hardly changed at all. (Then suddenly I turn around and my youngest daughter is finishing college and my son is over thirty!)
This may be happening on your end, as well. When we were together I was aware of changes which may not be apparent to you. For instance, did you notice . . .
- We ordered many meals in because you didn't have the energy to shop and prepare meals for all of us?
- Whenever Dad started to do a task he had to sit down, and he would often fall asleep before the task got completed?
- Friends who used to come and visit us when we came home have all moved away?
- You've been home for a month from your last trip, but you still have suitcases in the bedroom that are only partially unpacked?
- We were poking fun at you for still using a bedspread that is ripped and torn in places?
To me, these are evidences of a very natural thing--that changes can be so gradual you hardly notice them happening. Maybe it takes me coming in from the outside after several months to see the accumulation of these small changes--just like my being wowed by the changes in Tina's granddaughter.
It was good for us to go through your attic together when I was there, and decide which items are important for me or the grandchildren to have in the long run. Working together to help simplify your lives was the beginning of some recognition of these changes. I appreciated the opportunity to hear your stories about some of the things you treasure and to write them down. I was relieved and pleased to see you letting go of a bunch of things you don't need any more.
All this is good progress. I'm also aware that while much was accomplished, there was a part of a conversation that we needed to have that we didn't have when we were together. It is about setting a course toward the future. I guess if I were to say it in a few words I would say that you made headway downsizing your things and what is needed is to move towards rightsizing your lives.
What's the difference? The word downsizing has a negative feeling to it, implying that life is on the down-swing and everything is about loss. Rightsizing is proactive, empowering and life-giving. It's about evaluating where you are, deciding what is most important to you now, and setting a course for the future. With that in mind you can decide more easily what things matter to you most and need to come with you no matter where you are.
Thinking of you both rattling around in that old house where we grew up doesn't seem to be a part of a life-giving future for the two of you. I found out through our days together this summer that downsizing your stuff in and of itself doesn't give me the peace of mind I thought it would because my concerns are for both of you and not for your things.
Have you heard the Boiled Frog story? It's about a frog who jumped into a pot of hot water on a stove. Of course he jumped right out again to avoid a scalding—straight into another pot of cold water. He relaxed. What he didn't realize was that the pot of cold water had just been put on the stove and was heating up slowly. He didn't notice the change as the water heated up because the change in temperature was so gradual. Finally the water became so hot it cooked him.
I am trying to throw you a lifeline around your thinking. Think rightsizing your life. Please don't let the water heat up further. There is much quality time left for you both if you grab the lifeline now. Can I call you on Sunday so we can talk? I love you both.
Your loving daughter,
Note: The above letters first appeared in Life After 50, a publication of the Springfield Republican-Union News published in Springfield, MA, in July and September of 2009.
* If you would like to schedule a consultation with us, please call 866-549-1039 or email Dr. Perman at barbara@movingmentor.com